Athlete Discusses Respect,
Self-Esteem at Forum
October 31, 2008
With a drive he once reserved for the football field,
Joe Ehrmann is now sacking Madison Avenue stereotypes
one critically acclaimed lecture at a time. A former
defensive lineman for the Baltimore Colts, Ehrmann
has spent the last two decades helping others find
meaning in a life he asserts is often obscured by
misplaced priorities. Ehrmann shared his message with
New Canaan students and their families last week as
part of the town's recognition of October's Domestic
Violence Awareness Month.
"We are united by a common humanity," Ehrmann
said during an exclusive interview prior to his evening
lecture. "Life is about the quality of the relationships
we have with each other. We all want to love and be
loved." Reflecting at the end of one's life,
he continued, "is not going to be about how much
money you made or what your job title was. You're
going to ask yourself if you were a good father, or
if you could have been a better husband or a better
friend."
At the height of his NFL career, Ehrmann's 18-year-old
brother, Billy, was diagnosed with terminal cancer.
Billy died in 1973, the same year Ehrmann played the
Pro Bowl with the Colts. "As I spent the last
five months of my brother's life by his side in the
hospital, I began to think about what life was really
about," Ehrmann said. At the pinnacle of a sports
career filled with all the trappings of fame and wealth,
Ehrmann said he had never felt more lost.
"I couldn't understand how something like this
could happen to my strong, vital younger brother,"
Ehrmann said. "He had been following in my footsteps
[toward an NFL career]." Most devastating, Ehrmann
said, "I didn't know how to comfort him."
Ehrmann's father, an amateur boxer, was a remote figure
who drifted in and out of Ehrmann's life growing up.
Ehrmann said this relationship allowed him to fit
naturally into the macho boys' club of high school
sports. "We weren't allowed to express emotions,"
Ehrmann said. Broad-shouldered and well over 6 feet
in height, Ehrmann was born an athlete. But while
he excelled athletically, Ehrmann said his emotional
and spiritual growth was virtually nonexistent.
"It wasn't until my brother died I began to see
things differently," Ehrmann said. During his
lecture, Ehrmann recalled the anguish he felt during
his brother's funeral. "After [the burial] everyone
began to walk away," Ehrmann said. "I was
seized with anger. I thought, 'That's it? That's the
end of it? You live, you die and everyone walks away
and moves on?' I knew there had to be more."
Ehrmann embarked on an intense soul-searching journey.
During his off-seasons, he began attending theology
classes. After finishing his NFL career with the Detroit
Lions during the 1981-1982 season, Ehrmann graduated
from the Westminster Theological Seminary in Philadelphia,
specializing in urban ministry. He became an ordained
minister in 1985. He helped establish a Ronald McDonald
House, a place where the families of seriously ill
children can stay at little to no cost, in Baltimore
dedicated to his brother's memory.
"Through all these experiences, I began to wonder
what society tells us about who men and women should
be," Ehrmann said. He believes boys are raised
under three dangerous societal constructs: athletic
ability, including power and aggression, sexual conquest
and economic success.
"Society awards boys who can excel on the playground,"
Ehrmann said. "Who are our boys' role models?
Sports stars." These sports stars, he continued,
live essentially carte blanche, with seemingly endless
access to wealth, fame and women. Underneath the allure,
Ehrmann said, "these constructs are lies. They're
not going to make you a better person. They're not
going to help you live a better life."
As part of building strong relationships with one
another, Ehrmann said, "everyone needs to commit
to something, to a cause, to something greater than
him or herself." Ehrmann and his wife, Paula,
a licensed counselor with more than 20 years of psychotherapeutic
experience, are the founders of Building Men and Women
for Others. The organization's goal is to invoke "individual
and societal change," according to its mission
statement, by empowering men and women to realize
their strength lies within their own humanity, not
outside of it.
Ehrmann often talks about "EDD," "Empathy
Deficit Disorder," based on society's emphasis
on the individual at the expense of all else. "Women
are taught to strive for perfection to the extent
they are battling eating disorders, mutilating themselves
and suffering from low self esteem," Ehrmann
said. "Their perfection is based on what they
look like, not who they are." Similarly, he said,
men are raised to believe their achievement lies almost
exclusively in their physical strength and earning
power.
While Ehrmann believes sports are a useful way to
build respect, discipline and the value of working
together as a team, he warns players about falling
for the more superficial aspects of sports culture.
As a high school football coach and NFL consultant,
Ehrmann said he often meets with players to talk to
them about how they relate to women and what their
values really are. "When I talk to my players
about taking girls out for the homecoming dance, I
remind them they're taking out someone's cherished
daughter or sister," Ehrmann said.
At the end of his lecture, several New Canaan parents
expressed concern over a perceived lack of respect
adolescent boys show toward girls. Recent studies
show a rise in domestic violence and abuse, especially
through technology. Ehrmann said the age-old construct
of power and aggression underscores a lot of the problems.
"One of the reasons [Ehrmann] is such a compelling
speaker is because of his credibility," said
DeDe Bartlett of New Canaan's Domestic Violence Partnership,
a group that helped sponsor Ehrmann's visit. "He's
a man's man. He's been there."
Many students who saw Ehrmann speak said he spoke
the truth. "Kids are growing up faster than ever,"
said New Canaan High School junior Ali Jansen. "There's
a big difference from when I was in eighth grade to
what it's like now."
New Canaan Grace Community Church Youth Pastor Jake
Kircher said it was vital to keep a dialogue open.
"There are a lot of subliminal messages and it's
important to separate what's [real] and what isn't,"
he said.
Ehrmann's visit last week was his second to New Canaan.
He first came two years ago. Event organizers said
they would love to have him again. "His message
is more timely than ever," New Canaan Youth Services
Director Tony Phillips said.
To learn more about Joe Ehrmann, visit http://www.buildingmenandwomen.org.
Athlete
Discusses Respect: Self-Esteem at Forum
