Family Dynamics: 'An Ever-Shifting
Mobile'
January 27, 2005
Wendy H. Davenson, a licensed
marriage and family therapist, is also licensed in
drug and alcohol counseling and is a certified guidance
counselor. But at the last Parent Connection forum
on January 19, Ms Davenson did not focus exclusively
on the types and trends of substance abuse.
Instead, Ms Davenson used her considerable expertise
to create a "big picture" portrait of family
dynamics and their effect on the family's individual
members.
Despite the cold, snowy weather, a sizable crowd of
parents, teens, and professionals, including Superintendent
of Schools Evan Pitkoff, turned out to hear Ms Davenson
describe family dynamics as an "every-shifting
mobile."
"Your life is always changing," said Ms
Davenson. "Think of your life as a mobile. Imagine
when one child gets sick. There is a shift - of time,
of attention. The sick child side of the mobile is
weighed down while the others shift."
Others examples she used to illustrate a mobile's
"shifts" were a parent's clinical depression
or a family member's ongoing struggle with substance
abuse.
The point was that every experience, positive or negative,
on one family member's life triggered an automatic
emotional response in the other family members. There
is no such thing as a "static" family life.
Parents: Learn to Fight Fair
Ms Davenson spoke extensively on the effect of familial
conflict on children, who may, in turn, act out with
anger or other forms of misbehavior. Sometimes, these
children are diagnosed with conduct disorders. The
source for such behavioral problems, Ms Davenson said,
often stem from family discord.
"You must realize that your kids sense everything,"
Ms Davenson said. "If you and your spouse are
fighting, or recently fought, that can be sensed by
the children. There is that unmistakable tension in
the air."
In therapy, Ms Davenson continued, children often
shared the emotional and physical impacts such familial
tension had on their lives.
"Recognize that these children describe having
horrible knots in their stomach," she said. "They're
up all night, worrying."
At other times, children dealing with such issues
may respond in the opposite fashion, raising an equally
oppressive armor against the release of their emotions.
While divorce in itself can actually be a healthy,
necessary decision for some parents, a less-than-amicable
spousal split can spell familial disaster.
Commonly, children will blame themselves for the divorce,
said Ms Davenson. Particularly damaging, she said,
was one parent badmouthing the other in front of or
even to their children.
"Divorcing parents must realize that their marital
relationship is distinct from their role as parents,"
said Ms Davenson. "Although divorced, it is essential
for divorced spouses to remember that parenting is
a continual team effort."
The word "team" came up frequently during
the remainder of Ms Davenson's talk.
Parents, she said, must learn to "fight fair,"
separating the practice of conflict resolution from
down-and-dirty yelling or arguing.
"Every individual has a unique parenting style,"
said Ms Davenson, "which doesn't have to automatically
lead to conflict. Teach each other."
During the question and answer period, one parent
asked how it was possible to, in "the real world,"
always avoid "fighting" in front of the
kids.
Ms Davenson suggested that a good way to handle it
would be to behave straightforwardly and honestly.
"You can say that you and your spouse are having
a disagreement, but you are working it out,"
she said.
She even advised that it could be healthy for children
to listen in on how disagreements are discussed and
compromise is reached. Otherwise, she said, children
could automatically equate disagreements with arguing
and not learn the process of conflict resolution or
the value of compromise.
Changing Moods
Ms Davenson also touched on the importance of identifying
and monitoring one's moods.
"What triggers a change in mood?" she asked.
Parents called out a number of responses, including
sleep-deprivation and work-related stress.
Ms Davenson then asked her audience how they dealt
with their stress. A number of responses included
exercising and talking to friends.
Ms Davenson said that children also relied on their
friends to feel better, thus highlighting how both
children and adults shared the humanity of the emotional
experience.
She advised her audience to remember to "halt"
and take a step back when they are hungry, angry,
lonely, or tired (HALT), all of which are mood triggers.
Ms Davenson talked about how a number of teen problems,
including substance abuse, over-programming-related
stress, eating disorders, and depression, can be traced
to familial conflict.
Parents that don't know how to fight fair often don't
know how to handle their own mood shifts and emotions,
Ms Davenson said. No one, not the parents and thus
not the children, learn how to effectively cope with
problems.
In these cases, turning to mood-altering substances
and behaviors could become the primary coping method
that is developed.
During the question and answer period, a parent stated
that at a past forum, families had been advised to
involve their children in activities because statistics
indicated that such children were less prone to engaging
in substance abuse.
Ms Davenson said that the key was balance.
As for easing over-programmed family members and,
in many cases, entire families, Ms Davenson recommended
that each family member come together as a group and
prioritize which activities were most important to
them. She recommended that children and teens have
no more than one or two extracurricular activities,
including a sport.
Ms Davenson also talked about the importance of having
"reasonable" cause to worry.
At one point, the therapist recommended that a child
suspected of using illegal substances be monitored
to the point of the child giving their parents their
email password.
One teen raised her hand, inquiring in concern, "But
what about privacy?"
Ms Davenson explained that a measure as extreme as
email checking was enacted from reasonable cause.
Ms Davenson encouraged families to be upfront and
open with each other. She also said that children
should know where their parents stood on issues including
sex and substance abuse.
"If your child tells their friend, 'My parents
would kill me if I did that,' then the position on
the matter is clear," said Ms Davenson with a
laugh.
It was also important, she reminded, to lead through
role modeling. For example, she discouraged parents
drinking and driving themselves after a social gathering.
In closing, Ms Davenson advised her audience to just
"have fun" with their kids, to remember
the simple pleasure of family time together.
She also again emphasized the importance of learning
the value of working together as a team, thus building
skills in conflict resolution and management through
open communication and the implementation of compromise.
Happier, emotionally healthier, less stressed families
are less inclined to have substance abuse issues,
among other problems.
The next Parent Connection forum will be Tuesday,
February 15 (snow date February 16), from 7 to 9 pm
in the Newtown Middle School. Cher Shannon, MHSA,
LADC, SAP, will present "If You Love Me Why Don't
You Listen: Communication and Listening Skills for
Families." As always, admission is free.
For more information, visit www.newtownparentconnection.org
Family
Dynamics: An Ever-Shifting Mobile
